I don't want to talk about the benefits of breastfeeding, we have all heard it (over and over again) from La Leche League and other "lactavists". I also don't want to talk about how its OK not to breastfeed. I've seen countless articles formula feeding and how you're not a bad mommy if you choose not to. If you can't breastfeed or don't want to, thats fine. No judgement here. I fall somewhere in the middle, in the grey area that doesn't seem to be popularly accepted, combination feeding.
I always knew that I wanted to breastfeed. I read countless articles and books, bought a top of the line breast pump, a boppy pillow, and numerous support items in preparation of becoming a mom. My first son was born, brought into the world 6 weeks early. His frail little body was in an incubator in the neonatal intensive care unit, with a feeding tube down his throat. I cried, for numerous reasons, but one of those reasons was that I couldn't breastfeed him. First I worried because they decided he could start feeding before my milk came in, which meant the dreaded "F" word, formula. Also, since they had to monitor the amounts he ate, it meant a bottle. Flashes of all those articles I read about nipple confusion ran through my head the first time I was able to try to bottle feed him. I thought I was doomed. All the big breastfeeding "no-no's" were happening and there was nothing I could do to stop it, according to all the experts, I was setting myself up to have a formula fed baby. Over the next few days, I pumped and pumped and pumped. I'd pump 8 ounces at a time just so I could do my best to feed him 20cc's out of a bottle. My poor breasts had swollen to a size that looked like they belonged in a freak show from all the pumping.
Finally at 10 days old I was given the word that I could attempt to breastfeed for the first time. A lactation specialist came in and helped me, and to my horror his little tiny mouth just could not latch on to my ginormous breast. Fortunately she had a solution, a breast shield, an"adapter" as I called it, to make the baby fit. Again I worried because I had heard that they could decrease supply. I laugh now because I was pumping probably 10 times the amount that he was eating. So the routine started, I would breastfeed for 15 minutes, then give him a bottle, then pump. The whole process took about an hour, and I had to feed him every 3 hours. A full third of my day was devoted to breastfeeding.
At 6 weeks old, when he was finally considered a "newborn" and he had been gaining weight appropriately, I took a leap of faith and started just breastfeeding, no more bottles, no more pumping. It was a huge relief. My breast pump only saw the light of day when I was at work. I thought it would be smooth sailing from that point on. Then around 5 months, I was holding my very hungry baby and I was all out of milk. He wanted more. I couldn't stand to see him so upset. After about half an hour I did the unthinkable, I made him a bottle of formula. I insisted I give it to him myself, and I cried the whole time. He chugged the 4oz I made him, smiled at me with a drunk look on his face, and fell peacefully asleep. I cried to my husband, I cried on Cafemom, I went to my parents and cried to my mother. I felt like a failure, I couldn't make enough milk for my baby.
This is the point when the "lactivitsts" step in and say you need to feed more, you need to pump more, you need to take herbs that make you smell funny. You just aren't putting enough effort into breastfeeding. Yes you can get over this "6 month slump" as I've heard it called, but are they there when you're baby is in your arms, inconsolable because he's hungry and there's no milk for him?
So I started giving him formula, just when he seemed extra hungry. I already had a strained relationship with my breast pump, and I was tired of trying to pump enough milk for the babysitter. So I started giving him first 1 then 2 bottles of formula during the day. For me that meant no more pumping at work. I was able to eliminate the thing that bothered me the most about breastfeeding.
It was a whole new world for me. I gave him bottles during the day, when it was convenient for me to make a clean bottles. I always breastfed at night, so there was no waking up bleary eyed in the middle of the night trying to warm up a bottle. I was still able to breastfeed and bond with my baby, but I felt much less like a dairy cow. I continued with 2 bottles of formula a day, until we transitioned to cow's milk. At a year old, I started weaning him down to 2 feedings a day, morning and night. At 15 months old, we had just the nighttime feeding left. As sad as I was to stop, at 16 months old, i let that last feeding go. I was anticipating getting pregnant with baby #2 and wanted to give my body some rest.
When I look back, I feel that we got the best of both worlds. I breastfed when it was easiest and I formula fed when it wasn't. I don't feel "cheated" except for maybe that i had all that guilt associated with giving him formula, and I don't feel that he suffered any from it. Also, the expense of the formula wasn't too bad because we were only making 2 bottles a day.
Fast forward to baby number two. This time I was going to get it right, I figured out where I went wrong the first time, and this time I was going to make it through, the Internet told me so. I bought a new pump, I had a new plan. My new little boy was born full term, latched right on after birth and loved to eat. He loved to nurse so much that after 2 hours of straight suckling, I broke down and gave him a pacifier. Some would say that it was my first mistake. He was jaundiced, but we had been there before so I didn't worry.
At a week old, we had to make a tearful trip back to the NICU, his bilirubin was at a dangerous level. We walked in, I handed them my little oompa loompa, they stripped him down, put him under those blue lights and gave him a bottle of formula. I was furious, I had hoped formula would never touch his lips, how could they give him that "poison". My real question now, how had I become so "brainwashed" yet again? He had something called breast milk jaundice. Its relatively harmless, but there is a chance of brain damage if the bilirubin gets too high. Chance of brain damage, or formula, that was kind of a no brainer. You can breastfeed through the photo therapy, but that would have meant a much longer hospital stay. Formula for 24 hours brought his bilirubin down to a safe level. I had to continue for another 24 hours at home and then resume breastfeeding. During those 48 hours, I managed to build up my freezer stash for when I returned to work, and he resumed nursing without missing a beat.
I thought we were in the clear, but then at 3 weeks old, colic started to set in. Back to the Internet, I researched, convinced I had oversupply. I tried to cut back my supply. At 6 weeks old, just inconsolable, I cut all dairy out of my diet. I still didn't give up. Now at 4 months old, he's still breastfeeding, he seems to tolerate dairy, and I'm a much happier mama.
I'm not pumping very much milk anymore. Despite my best efforts, I'm only able to pump about 4 ounces. I'm drinking teas that taste terrible and make me smell funny again, and I freak out every time i have to pump more than I already do. I have enough milk in the freezer that I could make it to 6 months if I stopped pumping at work now. I will continue to pump for probably a few more weeks, and I may even pump once a day at work past the 6 month mark.
I'm writing this to remind myself that its OK to let go, and that I probably will be happier in the end. I'm a very proud breastfeeding mom, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I think combination feeding is overlooked and most women think you can either breastfeed or you don't. It doesn't have to be that black and white. Like anything, it comes down to what is best for you and your baby. I just hope that this time I can make the transition guilt free.
